Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
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ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?