Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

wtf is an acronym

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*