Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
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[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced