Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.

Hope that helps.

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.