Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵‍💫

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat

spicy snake

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?