I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
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gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
man i love columbo
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs