Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

Hello Twits.

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

Finally!

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

God making man in his image was the original selfie