Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

“I took care of your clown problem.”

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.