cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
You Might Also Like
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Only you can prevent podcasts
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first