cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
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Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
(Musicians.)
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
sin harder.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
who named him groot and not spruce lee
she has a point
