cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
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Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
umm…
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak