Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
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me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
blocked.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Double negatives are never not confusing.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.