Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”![]()
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”