Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
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I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.