Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
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*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?