Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[loses house key, starts a new life]

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me