CELLMATE: What are you in for?

ME: Bad shit, man.

[Flashback to me duct taping harmonicas to hand dryers in the McDonald’s bathroom]

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The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?


“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.


*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”


“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?


(1st day as a doctor)

Me:No heartbeat

Nurse:Sir,heart is on left side

Me:Ohh,is it

Patient:(Staring at me as if I had kissed his wife)


I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.


how would water even break? it’s a liquid. im not sure i want to have a baby with a liar sharon


Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.


I do this thing where I reply “Maybe” to calendar invites I receive from my wife for date nights she’s planned.

I sleep on the couch a lot.