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@mayamanion

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

@prufrockluvsong

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

@ibid78

GOD: let’s make an armored raccoon that turns into a bowling ball
ANGEL: but why wou-
GOD: and we’ll call it an armadillo for some reason

@N8Swick

Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.

@10InchesPlus

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

@bransonreese

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

@aotakeo

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

@briangaar

[checks facebook] I don’t remember everyone I went to high school with loving the national anthem this much

@negaversace

Everybody loves saying “check on your friends!” without acknowledging that it is often hard and risky and difficult not to come off like “hey dude! Saw you acting nuts, thought I’d be your dad about it!”

@theheatherhogan

A guy who lives on my street rang my doorbell and said, “Are you the lesbian who saves the cats?” And I said, “Yes. That’s exactly who I am. Let me get my coat.”