The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
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Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.