Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
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Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
GOD: let’s make an armored raccoon that turns into a bowling ball
ANGEL: but why wou-
GOD: and we’ll call it an armadillo for some reason
Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
[checks facebook] I don’t remember everyone I went to high school with loving the national anthem this much
Everybody loves saying “check on your friends!” without acknowledging that it is often hard and risky and difficult not to come off like “hey dude! Saw you acting nuts, thought I’d be your dad about it!”
A guy who lives on my street rang my doorbell and said, “Are you the lesbian who saves the cats?” And I said, “Yes. That’s exactly who I am. Let me get my coat.”