Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

Meowchelangelo

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]

[rubs Genie bottle]

“can you hook me up with some wifi?”

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.