Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
You Might Also Like
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
The booster protects against what, now?
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
sure, why not
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
Wednesday
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Thrilling chase underway
