Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…

The difference is Staggering.

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

I love the honesty

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”

Me: “Get away from it.”

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know