Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
You Might Also Like
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
seems like a niche market
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.