Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
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If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
Only you can prevent podcasts
Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Where’s my employee discount too?
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood