Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

Taking phone security to the next level.

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?