Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”