Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
cellphones are ruining the Boyfriend Throwing Pebbles at the Girlfriend’s Bedroom Window industry
You Might Also Like
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
(Watching Liar Liar)
Wife: If you couldn’t lie for 24 hrs, how much longer would we be married?
Me: Until the end of this movie.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
I’ve never been more proud.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Been starving for a man’s touch for months and I finally have a date tonight. How do I get out of it
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day