Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
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Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
The second world war should have been called world war returns
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”