@jazz_inmypants

cellphones are ruining the Boyfriend Throwing Pebbles at the Girlfriend’s Bedroom Window industry

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@thetobbie

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

@squirrel74wkgn

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

@Slim_is_Fat

(Watching Liar Liar)

Wife: If you couldn’t lie for 24 hrs, how much longer would we be married?

Me: Until the end of this movie.

@amishschool

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

@FatherWithTwins

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

@YuckyTom

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

@kieransofar

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do

@broken_rhi

Been starving for a man’s touch for months and I finally have a date tonight. How do I get out of it