Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
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You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.