Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
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my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.