Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
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GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!