agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
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2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Give a baker flours on your first date.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?