Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
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[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I have questions??
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.