Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
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ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
This billboard speaks to me
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Boating season is upon us.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen