Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.

mentally somewhere in italy

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

❤️❤️❤️

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.