Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….

me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”

TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

Server: Have you dined before?

Me: Have I d- like in general?

Server:

Me: Yeah. Yes.

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

You’re an open book?

“Throws you into a bonfire.”