Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

My dog after a walk in the woods.

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

If you love someone, let them tweet.

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”

~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

Mountain Goat : )

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.