Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”

911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?

ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit