Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
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I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]