Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God

Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

*explosion walks away from me in slow motion

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.