centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
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Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.