Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

95% of being a scientist is getting really excited to tell people about something catastrophic.

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

I’m suuuuper in the mood to be given $10,000, just sounds good rn

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia

I am patiently waiting for your email

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.