CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
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Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
😂🍻
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.