Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow