@ArfMeasures

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

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@iMikosnyc

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

@NotBachibawlz

Someday astronauts will land on the sun ….

Im hoping they’re smart enough to do this at nighttime when it’s not as hot

@callie_cakes

PRO TIP: If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.

@BlackCatBettie

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

@joejwest

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

@jdforshort

Sneaks into your house and removes all the labels from your canned goods. Shuffles them well.

@TheMichaelRock

Alright, I finally gave in and signed up for MySpace. Where is everyone?

@TweetPotato314

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?