Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
You Might Also Like
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Oh my god
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.