Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

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It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.


Someday astronauts will land on the sun ….

Im hoping they’re smart enough to do this at nighttime when it’s not as hot


PRO TIP: If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.


If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.


[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it


Sneaks into your house and removes all the labels from your canned goods. Shuffles them well.


Alright, I finally gave in and signed up for MySpace. Where is everyone?


[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?