Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

why isn’t he texting back

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.