Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
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*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.