Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

catch me on valentine’s day like

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

[on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.

Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)