Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit