centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
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I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt