Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

the three branches of government

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.