centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
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Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
How do I get a job writing these texts
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”