Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

cop: you’re free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please

cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE

me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(

Make me look younger

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.

It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.