centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
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Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.