Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken