Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now