@zwina_summer
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
@samalmightysam
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
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@zwina_summer
@not_thenanny
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
@randypaint
me: yuck dude what’s that smell
kurt cobain: [strums guitar] it’s teen spirit
me: [silences guitar] can the next one be smells like clean adult
@jonnysun
JESUS: heaven… must be missing an angel
ME: o gee thamk u jesus ur so sweet
JESUS: hehe
ME: hehe
JESUS: time to send u back
ME: wait no what
@ThisOneSayz
Got drunk last night and ended up at the worst escape room ever: no theme only metal bars and if you jiggled the door you got tazed!
@TheWidowmakerX
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
@EmissaryKerry
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
@internetluke
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
@Sanbel11
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
@Parkerlawyer
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.