Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
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Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough