@samalmightysam

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

You Might Also Like

@zwina_summer

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

@not_thenanny

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

@randypaint

me: yuck dude what’s that smell

kurt cobain: [strums guitar] it’s teen spirit

me: [silences guitar] can the next one be smells like clean adult

@jonnysun

JESUS: heaven… must be missing an angel
ME: o gee thamk u jesus ur so sweet
JESUS: hehe
ME: hehe
JESUS: time to send u back
ME: wait no what

@ThisOneSayz

Got drunk last night and ended up at the worst escape room ever: no theme only metal bars and if you jiggled the door you got tazed!

@TheWidowmakerX

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

@EmissaryKerry

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

@internetluke

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

@Sanbel11

My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”

@Parkerlawyer

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.