CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
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girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
whatcha thinkin bout
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
My neck, my back, my…
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.