CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
You Might Also Like
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”