Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

Omg 🤣

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.