CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
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People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
calling in to work dehydrated
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.