@stephenjmolloy

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

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@therealelp

jesus could get on twitter and be like “fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!” and someone would be like “you’re”.

@Breadery

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

@iheartgunts

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

@pleatedjeans

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

@jsteele3966

People who wait 3 hours to respond to a text “LOL” should be punched in the neck.

Your not fooling anybody. You weren’t LOLing that long.

@i_eat_fruit

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

@dreamsinchocola

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

@Kyle_Raney

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

@hgracestewart

I try to live each day like it’s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?