Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

[Inventing Canadians]

Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!

God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

me: this water is not hydrating me.

wife: that’s because it’s tequila.

me: that explains why I’m naked

target cashier:

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.