Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

We need it on priority

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff