Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

This might be the funniest tweet ever

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see