Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.

Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.

My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr