Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

[On a first date]

Her: So, what’s your favorite food?

Me: Bacon

Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?

Me: Bacon

Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Bakin’

Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?

Me: I bring home the…

Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

“Whistle while you work”

~The boogers in my nose

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.