Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

We need to put an American base on the sun

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:

Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’

Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.

i baked you a cake

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?