CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
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my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Huge if true.
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Cats are still liquid.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.