Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The “baby” on the left….

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

I have so many questions.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”

Me: “Well,-“

9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”

Me: …

9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”

Me: …

9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

Finally