CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
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I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even