Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you

If you’re testing me, we failed.

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

Me: Ready to brush your hair?

2-year-old: No!

Me: Why not?

2: I’m a fish!

Me:

2:

Me:

2:

Me: You win this round.

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”

“NO SHIT!”

~Urinals

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything