Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

I feel it

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.

Me: Which game were you playing?

4: Lava Queen and Assistant!

Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?

4: How did you know, daddy?!

Daddy knows.

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent