CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
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Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.